I'm too fat for my fat pants!

So I haven't blogged in over a year. That's because I became a graduate student and I became fat again. The two are apparently linked as I had no time to exercise and no money to buy healthy food. I gained back all of the 45 pounds I lost plus an additional 5+ pounds. My double chin wiggles while I walk (as well as the rest of me) and I can feel my FUPA (see earlier post) hit the tops of my thighs if I walk up a flight of stairs. This last time I lost the weight I was under the delusion that THIS TIME I would keep it off and I threw away the fattest of my fat pants (sizes 20 and 22). But of course I gained it all back and was wishing I had kept those fat pants. When I was losing weight it wasn't a problem to find cheap "in-between" jeans at Savers in sizes 14 and 12. But I found out its not so easy to find 18s and 20s. So I had to pay full price for fat jeans at Wal-Mart ($24.95!!!). Anway, the chub stops here (!) because I am planning a very active vacation after graduation and I want to be able to enjoy it. I will also be looking for a new job in the summer and don't want to interview looking like a fat slob. Wish me luck as I start on this journey, AGAIN.

fat guys like me

I was at the bar the other night and I actually got a guy checking me out from across the room. At least I think thats what it means when a guy makes intense eye contact twice within a couple minutes time. It HAS been a long time since I was on the dating scene and I could have forgotten what few rules I did manage to learn. Anyway, he was pretty good looking, just fat. And I'm still fat so it made me feel pretty good even if there was no chance of rubbing belly rolls deep into the night until we are both sweaty and chafed.

Did my cat learn her eating habits from me?

I realize that everyone and her cat has a weight loss blog out there. My cat could actually use one now that I think about it. She is even fatter than me. At least proportionally. She probably only needs to lose 7 pounds where I could stand to lose about 70. I like to chase her and watch her pannus sway to and fro (see "Pannus" blog). Is that wrong of me? At least we are both getting some exercise by running our fat asses around the house.

Cankles & Collarbones

I've had fat ankles since 8th grade, when I was actually underweight. The fattest kid in the class decided to point out that I had cankles! But I did have a completely flat stomach. Unfortunately that was the first and last time I was blessed with that gift. Notice that celebrities with perfect legs have ribs that u can see when they wear a low cut shirt. A collarbone you could use for a bookshelf. U can count her vertebrae like a stack of quarters, like a fish spine. 

Addicted to Jeans?

I'm down 25 and have about another 50 to go. I will probably have to live with only another 20 or 30 tho. Its really hard to get down there. The closest I ever got I was still on the fat end of thin. Probably technically still overweight and I was eating so little and exercising so much I couldn't tell if I was hungry or nauseated. And that didn't even get me down to skinny! Anyway....there is so much variation from one brand of jeans to the next when it comes to sizes. Some 16s are too loose but some 18s are too tight! So I've started buying jeans at Savers so I can have more jeans that actually fit when I'm in those in-between sizes. And I've found hot jeans (Gap, Maurices) for $6 to $12. It is still a challenge to find them long enough. I figure it is better to reward myself for losing weight by stuffing my closet with used clothes rather than stuffing my gullet with cheeseburgers or cheesecake.

Unibrows and Uniboobs

So I've lost about 20 pounds now in 2 1/2 months. I still can't get back into my favorite clothes but at least I am getting closer. Now that I have lost weight I have to start worrying about offensive body hair. When I was really fat I just figured that no one would look beyond the fat to even notice there was a mustache. Or a few beard hairs. Or a unibrow. But now I have 2 spend even MORE time on my appearance than just exercising and cooking. I hope that one day I will lose enough weight that when I wear a jogging bra I will just have 2 little flattened mounds (like a Skipper Barbie doll) instead of the glorius uniboob I currently sport.

Triggers

My triggers are pizza and birthday cake (the kind you buy from the bakery). I will eat pizza for lunch, an afternoon snack and then take the leftovers home and continue a weekend-long affair. The problem is that we always order way too many pizzas at work and I can't stand letting leftovers go to waste.

If either of these foods is in the building I spend a couple hours telling myself I won't eat it. Then I smell it and see everyone else pigging out on it. Thats when the whole "poor me/why can't I eat like everyone else can?" diatribe begins. It doesn't end until I take a bite. And after the intial piece it just tastes so good that I have 3 more. It becomes an obsession and I can't think straight because I know  that food is two doors away.  It calls to me all day until I eat it again and again and only ends when it is gone or has been in the fridge so long that it is dry and crusty and the microwave can't even resuscitate it. At least birthday cake only makes a rare appearance. But that butter creme frosting....
It is hard to be faced with the constant temptations but as I learned from the Great Sugar Cookie debacle, I am better off not eating any than trying (and failing) to eat just one. It really IS like being an alcoholic except that my behavior only hurts myself. I don't think any one else would be in danger unless I pushed them out of the way on the way to the pizza.